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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647281">To You, My Sunshine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarebal/pseuds/Sarebal'>Sarebal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, AtsuHina, Atsumu is madly in love, Break Up, Broken Promises, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hinata is moving on, Hinata moved on, Hinata's Wedding Day, Hurt/Comfort, KageHina - Freeform, Kageyama is sad, Karasuno, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Memories, Passion, Post-Break Up, The unsent letter, Time Skips, angst for the soul, broken hearted</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:01:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647281</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarebal/pseuds/Sarebal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kageyama returns home after watching his best friend and first love marry another man only to remember the good and bad times they had shared and their tough love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To You, My Sunshine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Honestly, this has been a rough month for me and my depression has hit me full force. I felt like making myself cry so this is it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn't often that Kageyama found himself crying. Then again, it wasn't often that he had to watch his best friend give his future away to someone else.</p><p>The ceremony had been beautiful. All of their old friends from high school had been invited and attended. Sugawara and his husband, Daichi, brought the newlyweds succulents they were sure both scatterbrains could take care of. Nishinoya and Asahi flew in all the way from Egypt to take a break and revel in their precious underclassman marrying. Hell, even Tanaka and Kiyoko made an effort and showed up sporting both alcohol and new athletic gear. But, despite all the wonderful presents their friends had brought, it was Kageyama who had so conveniently "forgotten" his gift to the happy couple. And although the wedding had carried on without a hitch, it was no secret that there was one person in the room who was undoubtedly in pain. With his eyes downcast, Kageyama had refused to watch the man he loved, his sunshine, kiss another. Let alone Atsumu Miya.</p><p>Kageyama knew. He knew the moment Atsumu had first laid eyes upon Shouyou that his world would soon fall apart around him. Atsumu was everything Kageyama was not and then some. Where Kageyama couldn't compliment Shouyou on his new receiving technique, Atsumu would shower the shorter with praise and adoration. Shouyou would want to go out for a night of fun and romance whereas Kageyama would rather stay indoors and selfishly hoard Shouyou's never-ending light to himself. Shouyou belonged in the starlight and deserved to be placed high upon a pedestal for all of Japan, no, the world to see. A pedestal that only Atsumu could build. No matter how hard Kageyama had fought to hold on to his little ray of light, it just seemed like Shouyou had gotten farther and farther away.</p><p>And now, clutching a little pastel orange envelope in his hand, Kageyama sat alone in his cold apartment, all light shadowed by the dark curtains covering the windows. His suit was long discarded onto the messy bedroom floor and the memory of Shouyou and Atsumu walking down the aisle together plagued his mind. Kageyama could sit and think about every little moment the two had shared together; from their first night of love-making all the way to the first time their eyes met in middle school. Would things be different if he had given a little more time? Would Shouyou still be wrapped up in his arms and murmuring whispers of love and growth? And although these questions hurt, it was something Kageyama had grown accustomed to asking himself.</p><p>The alcohol he had bought on the way home slowly snuck up and began to itch Kageyama's throat. Words he had never said before threatened to spill out and jumble only to mix in with the salty tears still slipping down his face. Not long after the reception Sugawara had messaged him, asking if he needed a friend or was okay. Kageyama had simply replied with an, "I'm fine, thanks," before busying himself with another bottle of liquor. </p><p>Where are they now? Did they stay in Japan for their honeymoon or did Atsumu take Shouyou back to Argentina, his second home? Were they tangled in the sheets and laughing amongst themselves like how Kageyama and Shouyou used to? Or are they slowly moving through their home, lips dancing together in a sweet tango?</p><p>Kageyama peered back down at the letter in his hand, still debating whether or not if would do more harm than good to send it now. If tonight was any proof, it was clear to Kageyama that Shouyou had moved on and found someone to place all of his joy into. Could Kageyama find the same? Probably not. Especially not when that one person had walked out of his life nearly as quick as he entered. Standing to his feet, Kageyama retraces his steps through his home, little flashes of Shouyou dancing and singing in the halls taunt him. Old photos from high school and their anniversaries lined the walls with little post-it notes attached. One reads 'I love you, Bakayama!', and another, 'Our third anniversary and the first time you said the "L" word first!'. </p><p>"Tobio~" Shouyou's voice continues to haunt him as Kageyama rests on the couch, eyes boring holes into the envelope. Even though he can't see or feel the calligraphy of his writing it practically burns his skin. The searing pain is soothing to him though, reminding him of the way Shouyou's lips would dance like a candles flame across his skin. Does Atsumu know of the sinful things Shouyou is capable of? Does he know of the way Shouyou whined and moaned just from Kageyama's touch? Does Atsumu know the way Shouyou begged and pleaded to be broken and weak? </p><p>As Kageyama humors these thoughts some more, he eyes gravitate to the little paper shredder sitting in the corner. He remembers the day Shouyou brought it home, saying something like, 'it's the best purchase we could make! This way no one can steal our identities!'. Kageyama's fingers ache with the desire to tears the letter to shreds instead of the machine, that way no one and nothing other than himself can know what he's written. But, then again, if he can't share these words with Shouyou, then who <em>can </em>really know how much these words mean to him? Before he can psyche himself out, Kageyama stands and makes way to the shredder, dangling the envelope carelessly close to the teeth of the shredder. Shouyou's tanned skin against his white tux and his bright orange hair comes to mind as he watches the envelope be taken over by the teeth, the paper cutting and tearing with such force Kageyama fears it may even hurt himself; almost as if destroying this letter is destroying what little love Shouyou has for Kageyama left. With that as his last thought, Kageyama heads back to his bedroom, eyes glued to the floor watching his feet step over and around objects thrown carelessly around. </p><p>When his head hits his pillow, Kageyama immediately shuts his eyes wanting to savor the memory of the brightest smile he's yet seen on Shouyou's face. The words Kageyama wrote only for Shouyou echo in the confines of his mind, images of their past love rearing into him full force. Kageyama begins to whisper the truthful undying words to the empty home, praying that Shouyou can hear them from wherever he is.</p><p>"To my sunshine, Shouyou</p><p>Do you remember the day you confessed to me? I do. It was the middle of summer during our second year of high school. You were walking around in our old club jackets and an ugly white t-shirt stained with grass and dirt. The sun was high in the sky and your smile was as big as what I believed our future would be. I never told you, but I truly believed that we would share this day together. The day you married was the day I was to marry. </p><p>I remember our first kiss. Exactly thirty-three days and two hours after your confession. I remember the way you desperately tried to lean in to kiss me as I stared down at you confused and unsure. We were both so new to this sort of thing we only did what we thought was right. We were told by so many people that the way to love was the way everyone else around us loved. We were given a guide by our upperclassmen and our underclassmen just watched in humor. When Nishinoya told us it was time to have sex we did. When Sugawara had learned of our relationship, he too told us what to do and not to do. Throughout all our years of being together, we followed these same strict rules set by our friends. Not once did we try to follow our own hearts and do what we thought was best for well... us.</p><p>I sometimes wonder if that's the reason we fell apart.</p><p>The day we broke up, I remember us both agreeing to it. It wasn't a one-sided argument or a petty fight over jealousy to blame. But our own stupidity in believing what everyone else thought was right. Eventually, I think, we both fell out of love with being in love. It wasn't that we were unhappy with each other, but we were just unhappy with how we came to understand love. Trying to do things like everyone else had made things difficult for the both of us. Instead of falling deeper into love we were falling out of it. There were things about me that you once found endearing but slowly discovered were just as obnoxious as the things you had already disliked. There were things about you that I wanted just for myself but you were willingly giving it to the rest of the world too. </p><p>To be honest, the day you met Atsumu Miya was the day I knew I had lost you for good. When he promised to set for you one day, I saw the way it made you shine with delight. I watched the way you admired his tosses and payed even closer attention to him than the other players on the court. After the match had ended along with our season, there were times when I'd catch you drifting off into space. At first, I made nothing out of it. That is, until you started to say Atsumu's name while in thought. Even though I didn't show it, I knew you well enough to know that you weren't going to forget his words. Once you set your mind on something you are going to do it no matter what. I just didn't realize how desperately you had set your mind on Atsumu.</p><p>As the nights we spent holding each other became less and less, I could feel your light fading away from me. You had always been meant for greater and better things and I, although important to you, wasn't greater or better for you than he was. I could provide the tosses you desired. I could provide skill you lacked. And I could provide my love. But, I could no longer help you grow. I was holding you back and slowly draining your passion for volleyball. With each spike you'd hit the more frustrated you became. With each of my tosses the more trapped you had felt. It wasn't long after that, only a week before you had to leave for Argentina, that everything we had came crashing down around us. Do you still remember the words you told me that night? The worlds that'll haunt me until the day I die?</p><p>"Kageyama... I don't think I love you anymore."</p><p>I don't remember what I had said after that. But I know that it was some bullshit I didn't mean. We had sat down and talked - really talked, for the first time in what felt like forever. You shared how you felt, being trapped and stuck in a place with no room to grow, and I pretended to only realize then. I knew you had fallen out of love with me a long while before that, but you yourself had yet to figure it out. And I wanted to hold onto you for as long as I could. It was selfish and cruel of me. Would I do it again if it meant having you for those few more months? Yes. Did it kill me to know that I was the reason you were losing love in our sport? Our dream? Yes. </p><p>Now that you had realized how you truly felt, I could no longer tie you down. You wanted your freedom and passion back even if I wasn't ready to give it to you. But, I knew I had to let you go. So, I forced out the little courage I had left, the little self-restraint I had to stop from breaking down, and told you, 'I don't love you anymore, either'. I can't lie and say that the look of absolute relief and joy that crossed you face didn't hurt me, because it did. It tore me down and broke the little peace of mind I had left. When you left later that evening, I broke. All the pain and sadness that I had caused, that you had caused me, came crashing down and swallowed me up. I cried and cried for what felt like hours. My eyes were swollen shut and my lungs felt like they were going to collapse any minute. But, it was there, laying in the middle of my bedroom floor, that it dawned on me. I had given you your freedom back. You could finally return to being the radiant sun you were before me. Even if it meant being without me.</p><p>Even now, I have a hard time accepting the change between us. When I received the invite to your wedding, I was half expecting it and half hoping it'd never show up. Because even if you aren't in love with me anymore, you still thought of me and continue to think of me as a best friend. A title I don't deserve. But, I hope to change that some day. And to start, there are a few things that I need to say to you.</p><p>One: I'm sorry.</p><p>I'm sorry for holding you back and keeping you from your dreams. Because, even if I had already known you were no longer in love, I still forced my love onto you in hopes that you would return my feelings once again. And because of that, not only you, but myself as well nearly lost you entirely.</p><p>Two: I'm sorry to Atsumu as well.</p><p>Although I never will admit it aloud, during those last months of our love I had constantly cursed him and wished ill will upon him. I was so angry that he had taken you away from me that it turned me into a vile person filled with jealousy and rage. He had your heart back then like you had and still have mine. I should really thank him for making you happy in ways I could never.</p><p>And three, the most important one: I LOVE YOU.</p><p>I truly mean it, Shouyou. From the bottom of my heart, I love you. Never forget that."</p>
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